Abby's Lullaby Playlist

When shopping for lullaby CDs for our first baby, my husband and I discovered a disturbing trend. Rather than compiling the best performances and recordings of the best music to put a child to sleep to, record companies have a folk singer come in and perform lame acoustic versions of these classic songs. The worst offender is Disney, who has full orchestral performances of their music for movie soundtracks, who has Julie Andrews singing "Stay Awake" and "Feed the Birds" for Mary Poppins and the Philadelphia Orchestra performing "Ave Maria" for Fantasia, yet creates substandard recordings of the same for their lullaby CDs. Even Beatles classics have fallen victim to this practice. Why would anyone ever record a lamer version of "Blackbird" for a lullaby CD when the original is so perfect for this use?

What are they thinking?!? Babies have more sensitive hearing not less. Their little brains are still developing sensitivity to subtleties in sound. Providing them the highest quality performances and recordings should be a priority. Someone somewhere decided simplicity must be more soothing to simple baby minds, but we've learned in recent years that baby minds are anything but simple.

My husband is a bit of an audiophile and this was not acceptable to him. Instead, he created a playlist on this brand new (at the time) software called iTunes, of the best recordings of the best songs, and burned a couple CDs for the car and the daycare center since mp3 players weren't really around much yet. It had to fit on a CD so it was just about an hour long, perfect for nap time. The daycare center loved it as it put all the kids right to sleep and never annoyed the adults. They seldom lasted through the second song. I had to be careful playing it in the car because it put me to sleep too. Additionally, our daughters developed a sensitivity to music and appreciation for it that was demonstrable before they could speak.

Since I don't own the rights to these songs, I can't compile and sell my magic lullaby CD to other parents, but since we've abandoned CDs anyway at this point, I can publish the playlist and you can purchase the individual songs to compile on your own digital media player. If you're looking for something better than what record companies call a lullaby album, here is...

Abby's Lullaby Playlist:

1. Baby Mine... from Disney's "Dumbo" movie soundtrack featuring Betty Noyes
2. Stay Awake... from Disney's "Mary Poppins" movie soundtrack featuring Julie Andrews
3. Feed the Birds... from Disney's "Mary Poppins" movie soundtrack featuring Julie Andrews
4. Do You Hear That?/I Wonder... from Disney's "Sleeping Beauty" movie soundtrack featuring Mary Costa
5. Once Upon a Dream... from Disney's "Sleeping Beauty" movie soundtrack featuring Mary Costa & Bill Shirley
6. A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes... from Disney's "Cinderella" movie soundtrack featuring Ilene Woods
7. Love is a Song... from Disney's "Bambi" movie soundtrack featuring Donald Novis
8. Little April Showers... from Disney's "Bambi" movie soundtrack featuring the Disney Studio Chorus
9. Lavender Blue... from Disney's "So Dear To My Heart" movie soundtrack featuring Burl Ives
10. You Belong to My Heart... from Disney's "Saludos Amigos" movie soundtrack featuring Dora Luz
11. Winnie the Pooh... from Disney's original "Winnie the Pooh" movie soundtrack featuring the Disney Studio Chorus
12. Best of Friends... from Disney's "Fox & Hound" movie soundtrack featuring Pearl Bailey
13. Bella Notte... from Disney's "Lady & the Tramp" movie soundtrack featuring Bill Thompson
14. Johnny Has Gone for a Soldier... from "The Civil War (Original Soundtrack)" performed by Jacqueline Schwab & Jesse Carr
15. Blackbird... performed by The Beatles
16. I Will... performed by The Beatles
17. A Kiss to Build a Dream On... performed by Louis Armstrong
18. I'll Be Seeing You... performed by Tommy Dorsey & His Orchestra featuring Frank Sinatra
19. When The Lights Go On Again... performed by Vaughn Monroe & His Orchestra
20. Summertime... from "The Great Gershwin" album featuring Mildred Bailey
21. More I Cannot Wish You... from Frank Loesser's "Guys and Dolls (Original Studio Cast)" featuring Brian Greene
22. Sunrise, Sunset... from "Fiddler on the Roof (Original Broadway Cast Recording)" featuring Zero Mostel
23. Ave Maria, Op. 52 No. 6... from Disney's "Fantasia" movie soundtrack featuring Leopoldo Stokowski & The Philadelphia Philharmonic Orchestra

Featured artists are included in the above list to help you find the right recording since most of the songs have been recorded by multiple artists. If you've the money to spend, all of the albums on which these songs are included are worth adding to your music library. Songs are listed in the order I established for the original CD fourteen years ago. I particularly love the way "Ave Maria" feels waking back up to the day. 

Teaching Independence

A recent article made the rounds of educational circles about the independence that children in more primitive cultures enjoy and how they appear to be happier than children in first world countries. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/may/04/leave-them-kids-alone-griffiths) While it would be ridiculous for us, in our modern cities, to let our children run free with machetes at the age of five, there is something to be learned from the observations made. The age of independence has been gradually increasing in America for the last hundred years. The definition of independence at each stage of development has also been under perpetual modification.

Like most people, I can look back at my own youth and see a distinctly different and far looser set of parameters for personal liberty than I can reasonably allow my own children. I don't think anyone would argue that that's a good thing. There's no going back to the days before the internet made us aware of how often and how reprehensible crimes against children can occur, so the question becomes; how do we foster independence in our children while still protecting them from societies bogey men?

Some parents argue for constant supervision and blame every mishap on the lack of it. But, the most common cause of broken bones among preschoolers is parents going down the slide with them because they're scared to let them go down alone. Supervision is generally a good thing, but overprotection has its down sides. That so much crime still happens, and to generally vigilant parents who only turned away for a second, tells us this attitude is not solving the problem. Even if we can watch our kids every second of their childhood, they eventually have to become independent enough to leave home and take care of themselves. We can become so focused on our fears for them that we create a disability in this area.

I would argue that we're already seeing the negative impact of overprotecting our children across society. However, I'm not writing this article to argue. I write to make people think, and to offer practical suggestions. Now that you know why I'm making a deliberate effort to build independence in my children, let me explain how I'm attempting to do it.

First, my husband and I spent a lot of time when our children were small discussing what we observed and remembered from our own childhoods, and what we were seeing other families do in the present. We watched our children for developmental milestones that would indicate their readiness for more independence rather than tagging certain liberties to specific ages. We talked about what was practical for us, in our neighborhood, with our resources. We communicated and were in agreement at each stage. This is VERY IMPORTANT! When you have different expectations from different parents you get holes in your security plans. Kids are great at finding holes. Sometimes agreeing requires saying that you'll try something that is perhaps uncomfortable for one of you and setting a metric for success before making it policy.

Skills for independence must be taught. When parents have to leave their kids with a key to get in the house after school because they're at work, you can bet they're teaching these skills early and often. In addition to teaching general life skills, we made a list of the rules and expectations for when we're not home and talked about them with our kids. Being able to understand why each of the rules exists is one of the ways we know they're getting old enough for short periods of being home alone. Examples: Stay in the house or back yard. Don't answer the door for anyone but certain relatives or even talk to people through it. No playing with water. They know how to feed themselves, but no cooking with appliances (including microwave or toaster). Big sisters are in charge. If little sisters are getting out of hand then big sisters can put on a movie that will settle them down. Big sisters are expected to sacrifice their own preferences (in movie, food, or games) to keep little sisters safe and calm. Call or text us early if a problem arises. Don't wait for things to get out of hand. Know how to call 911, perform CPR (for the older ones), evacuate the house, and which neighbor to go to in an emergency.

In our house the difference in ages isn't that great, so we don't have teenagers babysitting toddlers. We did have the older two "practice babysitting," beginning at age eightish, on nights mom had places to go and dad was tired. He'd go to bed with one ear open and they'd try to get along and take care of themselves so they wouldn't wake him up. They didn't always succeed, but they tried hard and learned a lot. When they were successful at that, I began leaving them alone during the day for fifteen minutes at a time while I ran an errand or went for a walk. As that time became longer, I began to leave them with a chore to do before I got home. Their drive to prove themselves was so great that they'd get more done in my absence than when I was home. A chore or some directed activity helps keep sibling conflict down.

I began allowing them time home alone at different ages. From time to time the whole family goes out and one wants to stay behind. My oldest, with her learning disabilities, was actually much older before she wanted to be home alone. She had more fear. The second is highly gifted and felt the need for independence and was ready for it much earlier. The third, also highly gifted, is such a homebody she never wants to go out with us. The youngest is still too young to stay home alone, and will probably need to be a little older than the middle two. Ten is the average age, but know your kids.

There is no law about what age parents can leave their children home alone. Some kids are super mature and get paid babysitting jobs at age thirteen. Others are still liable to burn the house down age age sixteen. Parents who get in trouble for leaving their kids home alone are charged with neglect. This is a much more flexible term that can be argued. If you can articulate how you have prepared your children for the level of independence you've given them, and why you feel they're ready for it, you're probably okay. If your argument is about how you had to leave them because of work, etc., you're probably not. Neglect is when you think of your own needs before your kids'.

Recently, we've ventured into the next level of independence; going somewhere alone without parents. After taking a couple of walks to the corner store with them, we're allowing our oldest two to walk there alone to get slurpees this summer. They have to go together, they have to take a phone, and they have to get permission from a parent who is home at the time. We're taking more local walks together to expand their list of allowable places to go alone, and also preparing them for using the city bus system to get around by using it as a family to go places.

It's a process that continues and, in our modern society, requires some deliberate thought. For some of you this probably sounds extremely restrictive, and for others far too permissive. You have to find the balance that is right for your own family. I just want to encourage you to think about it. I would love to hear from other parents how you've gone through this process.

Discovering Foreign Media

With the rise of Netflix and other streaming video sources, foreign films and television have become accessible to average Americans in an unprecedented way. Before there was access, I never thought much about foreign media. In fact, I had no idea they made so much, or that it could be so interesting. The occasional melodramatic european movie to reach American cinema did not do much for my perception of foreign media.

My interest in foreign media began with BBC television programming. A huge fan of Jane Austen, how could I not be enraptured? American film versions of her books fall far short. Then there are the epic nature and history documentaries. If any country can be said to have risen to the production standards of American Media, it is the British. More recently, Japanese animation from Studio Ghibli has been proving its mettle in the American market, raising our collective expectation of foreign production quality.

Production quality isn't everything. Even with fewer production resources, interesting story and fabulous acting can raise foreign television shows from unexpected countries into our cannon of "Must Watch" media. In addition to pressing their reading fluency to a new level trying to keep up with the subtitles, these shows expose my kids (& me) to diverse cultural ideals. They show how values differ and how cultures have adapted to their environment. I'm sure they don't think much of it when making their TV shows, but I never would have thought of Korea as so cold for so much of the year. Even though their clothes are modern, how they layer jackets and accessorize with multiple scarfs, gloves, and hats, is quite different from how we live in California.

The stereotypes are different and their concerns are different. You seldom see truly impoverished characters at the center of American tv shows. Yet the strength and tenacity of the poor is honored in many of the shows I've seen. They have pride, and the show is not about how they have to give up their pride to survive like we would expect in our media. It's about how a poor life with self-respect is better than wealth without it.

How they eat is especially fascinating. A two minute lesson on how to use chopsticks is so different from watching how they use them differently to eat different foods, or when they choose to use a spoon. No one would ever sit you down and teach you all these things. They don't remember learning them, like we don't remember learning to use a fork. You learn them by observation and trying, just like a child. This is our chance to sit at a foreign table like a toddler and watch without anybody looking back at us strangely.

These shows also show us how much we are alike. This week I stumbled on a show from Korea that felt incredibly relatable to me. We love our TV geniuses in America, but there's a mistaken idea here that genius is easy. "Bones," "House," "The Big Bang Theory," all center around characters that are passionate about a subject that they are also incredibly gifted in. Even college seems like it must have been easy for these characters.

That's not really the case for most geniuses. When everything comes easy early on in school, it's difficult to find a passion that will drive you through college into a narrowly focused career. I'm one of those high IQ people with that kind of potential, but had no direction. I didn't go to college, and I'd say about half of the Mensa members I know didn't. There are many ways for a genius to learn, and we all found other paths. Those who go to college often drop out when things get hard for the first time. They never learned how to work hard. I've spent every day since high school learning that lesson. School was easy, but life is hard. The people who know how to work hard succeed over the people who have good grades that came easy.

The show I found, "Playful Kisses," catches the genius character on the cusp of college with no understanding of how life is for students who have to work hard to learn. It places him into an uncomfortably close relationship with one of the academically stupidest girls in school. She has none of the intellectual gifts that he enjoys, but she has determination to keep trying anyway. It's ridiculously comical, and sweetly poignant. If you have a gifted teen lacking direction, drive, or empathy, this show is an excellent way to stretch their thinking in these areas.

If I hadn't ventured into foreign media, I'd never have found this gem, this piece of media that articulates the tenuous balance between intellect and effort that we all must find to be successful. Even the biggest idiot is happier than the genius because he knows what he wants to do and is prepared to work hard to do it.  As comical as he is in his stupidity, you don't feel sorry for him because you know he will find success. You even think sometimes that the girl both guys admire might be better off with him. A simple life with love can be a happy one.

Clearly I'm in a Korean television phase. But I would encourage you to follow your own interests into foreign productions. Try one of the foreign options that pop up as recommendations "because you watched..." Be a little more tolerant of slow starts, subtitles, and weak production value than you typically would, and see how they build. Check on IMDB.com for reviews. Foreign media is showing up there too, and people are watching and leaving useful reviews. Let it expand your world view in all the little ways I've described. American media is not the beginning and end of educational and entertaining television. People in other countries are making "Must Watch" television and movies too.

*** This post was featured in the Redwood Mpire Mensa Bulletin, Aug. 2014 edition. 

Educational Exceptions

I am raising both gifted and learning disabled kids. I wish all could receive the comprehensive testing the first daughter, with inattentive ADHD, dyslexia, and slow processing, has received. The testing is invaluable. It shows BOTH strengths and weaknesses. Something every child has, but is particularly useful when dealing with any child who demonstrates extreme asymmetrical development. In either case, there are a few things I've learned about educating exceptional children.

In my oldest, most learning disabled child, her most recent tests showed unusually high vocabulary and reading comprehension for her low reading fluency. In addition, she's in the 99th percentile for visual memory. This little piece of the puzzle is consistent with the argument I've been making since she entered school. She remembers everything she sees on tv, so I am going to leverage that ability to help her learn other subjects regardless of how many arguments are made citing studies that show "screen time" is bad for her education and development. Her unusual results are due to her love of watching all sorts of documentaries on tv and the internet. When a child's ability to access information through reading is far lower than their cognitive ability to learn and appreciate history, science, etc. why should they be prevented from accessing a resource that enables them to learn at their interest and cognitive ability level?

Research has frequently shown that development in one area of learning benefits all areas. The interests and vocabulary she developed by watching documentaries have given her motivation to pick up books and TRY to read them. Getting a child to try something they already know is going to be harder for them than their peers is 99% of the battle. She's completing 8th grade right now with a fifth grade reading level, but 'A's in science and history at grade level.

Fighting the system is exhausting. I see burned out parents griping about it all the time. It burns out teachers too. Bringing creative solutions that leverage your child's strengths to overcome their weaknesses is usually welcomed by teachers whose ultimate goal is educating. For my child that means looking up documentaries on the areas she's studying in school. The results have since changed her teachers' views on the matter. Her 8th grade teacher recently reported that her essays are concise and accurate, her tests scores are high, and she always has something interesting to bring to class discussions, at the same meeting where her RSP teacher reported the aforementioned fifth grade reading level.

All of the learning she does around the subject increases the level of reading comprehension she has as she plods her way through the textbook at half speed, as well as her reading comprehension in general. The entire student study team was shocked and impressed by her progress as we planned for her transition to high school. Now, when I advocate for her independence in certain areas and the use of an iPad (we provide) during class, my suggestions are readily accommodated. Even though these interventions were initially discouraged and digital devices are not allowed during class for the general student population.

Studies are helpful in figuring out general guidelines for best practices in education. But we should never forget that every study shows exceptions; those abnormally high or low results they attribute to error and dismiss. If your child is already showing themselves to be an exception in other areas, don't be afraid to take exemption from those generalized best practices and try following their strengths to create leverage against their weaknesses. Be honest with yourself about what is not working and flexible about making adjustments until you figure out what does work. Then you will have results to demonstrate the effectiveness of your arguments for exceptional interventions at school.

I'm grateful to have learned this working with my first child, as I try to create appropriate interventions and exceptions for the obviously gifted ones that followed. Especially since the school does not test gifted children, nor give them the benefit of a student study team to develop strategies to help them achieve their full potential. It does not even try to identify their weaknesses, which are sometimes learning disabilities in desperate need of intervention but disguised by their areas of giftedness. I must diligently and honestly observe, communicate frequently with their teachers, advocate directly with them, and strategize and try my own interventions.

Most teachers want to do what is best for each child. They recognize that they can never know a child as well as his parents, and welcome insight into individual learning styles. But they are also human, and will respond defensively to an adversarial approach. A cooperative attitude where you listen to their observations, combined with providing information (they can't keep up with every educational development either), and individual insight, will lead to better accommodation for your exceptional child. The strategies you develop may also benefit others, as success stories are shared and successful interventions tried by others.

No study is completely representational of all students, and no university can teach every educational style and possible intervention to upcoming teachers. Be sure to give them abundant grace as you work toward the common goal of figuring out how to meet your child's educational needs. It won't be solved all at once. Expect to do a great deal of study yourself.

In addition, I have homeschooled three of my children during different periods as I deemed it appropriate. Personally, I would rather work with a teacher, and I did not homeschool for lack of good teachers. Rather, I deemed it developmentally necessary to deal with those areas of weakness the school was not equipped to handle. We homeschooled to deal with emotional and behavioral development issues, not educational ones. Each child re-entered school refreshed and ready to excel, with a self confidence their teachers and other parents all comment on. They also acquired interests and strategies for learning that work for them. The exact opposite of what schools expect from homeschooled children, since they usually only see them returned to school because of failed home study experiences. In other words, don't be afraid to look at more extreme interventions, like temporary homeschooling, with specific goals and a plan to return to a regular classroom when they are met. Understand and accept the reasons for the institutional opposition to this, and other unusual interventions, but don't let it stop you from doing what is right for your child.

Ultimately, educating exceptional children requires making exceptions to accepted practices in education. It will tie your brain in knots the way that thesis statement just tied your tongue. You're going to have to work hard at it to do it well. The reward is seeing your kids become exceptional adults!

When an eleven year old writes the Easter play....

2013 Puppet Team Easter Play
By E. A. Provost 2



Esther: Hello, and welcome to an Easter play brought to you by Vertical Kids wonderful puppet team. And now, without further ado, let us begin.

E.B.: Our story takes place a long, long, long, long,---

Esther: Time ago!

E.B.: At zero A.D. Jesus was born.

Esther: This isn't Christmas!

E.B.: Oh, right.

Esther: Thirty something years later is where we're supposed to be! Jesus was handed over to the Romans!

E.B.: So, where does the bunny come in? (Gestures to a bunny. )

Esther: I actually don't know. (Both head off stage)

Roman: We will crucify their king.

Jesus: (On the cross.) Ow, ow, ow...

Roman: (Places thorn crown on Jesus' head. Sees bunny.) What's he doing at Jesus' crucifixion?

Jesus: (Shrugs.)

Roman: Get him out (Throws a spear at bunny. Misses.)

Bunny: Wow, they really don't like me. (Bunny leaves.)

Jesus: Are you trying to kill me.

Roman: Um, yeah.

Esther: Then, Jesus died. Then, was buried. But 3 days later Mary and her friend went to his grave.

E.B.: But the tomb was empty. Jesus had woken up. As a zombie!

Esther: No. The tomb was empty and the cloth in which Jesus had been wrapped was neatly folded inside.

E.B.: So, no zombies?

Esther: No!

E.B.: Fine, if you want a boring story.

Esther: Back then, when you folded your napkin you weren't done yet. That's why Jesus folded his wrappings.

E.B.: (Sees bunny.)

Esther: (Also sees it.) Don't even say it. 

Arguing Religion

There are a lot of annoying religious posts and subsequent arguments online and elsewhere.  I am a believer, but I don't see the purpose of arguing about it.  It wasn't a scripture or an argument that convinced me of the reality of God through Christ Jesus.  It was my experience of him.  I would not expect you to be won over by an argument or even the testimony of my experiences, as I am not in any way deterred from my faith by the arguments of others who oppose it.  Jesus disciples went about preaching the good news, and healing all who were sick.  The Bible also says it's the goodness of God that draws people to repentance.  The good news was accompanied by experiences of healing and goodness from God.  Not arguments.  When Paul made his arguments before the Roman leaders he almost convinced them...almost, because an argument just isn't enough.

It is entirely possible that my experiences are a fabrication of my mind, a placebo.  Something I consider highly unlikely, or I would not have embraced them, but still possible.  It is also possible that my experiences are real, but what I call God is an alien life form we have yet to comprehend.  That alien abduction stories and angelic visitations are the same thing from a different mindset.  

It's possible that what we call spirit is an elemental force we are about as able to comprehend as a dog is color.  That the humans who perceive things and beings of a spiritual nature have simply received an evolutionary adaptation that may yet become further developed and more widespread, if we don't lock all these people up in looney bins where they're unlikely to procreate first.

It is not possible from a scientific perspective to prove that God does not exist, anymore than it is possible to prove that aliens do not exist.  We simply have no way of ascertaining what we don't know.  It is an unscientific hypothesis.  That is why it baffles me that most of the scientific community have closed themselves off to the possibility of God.  Efforts to prove the existence of God may presently be pretty pathetic from an educated perspective, but proving his non-existence is impossible.

In any case, I have determined that I lose nothing by my faith.  That faith, in itself without anything that may come after, still adds to my quality of life.  That if God is my imaginary friend, I'm quite content with my delusion.  If my experiences are a combination of coincidence and placebo, then I am fortunate indeed.  That as a person who is interested in science, being open to the possibility of God as a future discovery allows me to see more possibilities in the interpretation of new scientific data than does denying that possibility.  There is very little certainty in science.

There is no reason for you to believe as I do until you experience God for yourself.  The Bible says that if you seek him you will find him.  Until you do, to adopt an intellectual belief in God would be a meaningless act.  So why argue about it?  Seek or ignore, as you wish.

Thank You Notes

In a previous post, I wrote about the rule I made with my husband, then boyfriend, about not saying the generic, "I love you." Instead we agreed to find more accurate ways to express ourselves. Today, I've been thinking of another generic expression that could use some clarification.

Today, I could have written a generic, "thank you." But there was much more I could write. Things that would bring a smile to the reader and lighten their heart. I thought, if I were really grateful I'd take the time to be specific. I'd tell them what I thought was wonderful about them. I'd be unmistakably genuine.

I know a lot of people complain that handwritten thank you notes have gone out of favor. I don't care. Mine was an email. But what I wrote was real. More real than anything I ever wrote in an obligatory handwritten card. Not that I wasn't truly grateful before, but I was rushed and trite.

Age is settling well on me. With the passage of time I've grown a better set of priorities. I want to be more genuine. I want to be more truly connected. I want to take the time to say the nice things I think of others. We're raised with the rule, 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.' But when we can say something nice, how often are we silent anyway? How desperate are we to hear good of ourselves, and how stingy with our praise of others?

We cannot live our lives without the company of others. Humanity as a species is incredibly interdependent. How beautifully our words of appreciation create deep channels between us through which the requirements of our interdependence can flow. Specificity in expression allows us to better understand what those channels need to transport.

I'm challenging myself, and you reader, to not withhold saying a good word to someone, when it is in our minds to think it. To be more specific with our words of gratitude. To value our human connections, even through digital mediums. To not lose an opportunity to speak encouragement.

I appreciate how my readers respond to what I write here, because it helps me to become a better writer. I appreciate when you like and share my links on Facebook, because it lets me know when something I've written really touched you or was useful to you. I don't widely publicize this blog because I feel that it's still writing practice. When you publicize it I feel truly honored. When people declare that the internet will be the downfall of polite society, I know they're wrong, because all of you are here, reading a blog that declares its purpose to be helping to create strong families. I hope my words make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, because I'm not going to be posting any photos of kittens to try and make that happen.