I often feel that I've nothing to offer here. The parenting scenarios I'm currently facing, I feel I haven't the authority yet to advise others about. The successes of the past are quickly forgotten when you've got four children to raise in the present. A conversation with a fellow parent at school yesterday reminded me that I have done a few things right about which I can confidently offer advice.
My oldest daughter is fourteen and my youngest is six. I am grateful to be out of the toddler years, and thoroughly enjoying my foray into the early teens. This statement keeps astonishing people. I have two daughters in Middle School! How am I not going crazy with the emotional drama and the attitude?!?
These are two separate issues which I will address individually. The emotional drama for girls actually begins early. My husband frequently says that the "pre" in PMS begins at birth. Some girls are just more melodramatic than others. Ignore it and it will usually diminish. As far as the PMS goes, it really does start to kick in around the age of nine. While girls may be years away from beginning menstruation, the necessary hormones are already beginning to cycle in slowly increasing amounts.
You'll begin to notice a random meltdown occurs about once a month, and around the time mom is starting her period. This is a good time to have your first period talk. In school, in fourth grade, all girls get what I call the "don't panic when you start your period talk." Boys won't get their first sex talk until fifth grade. They go play sports or something while the girls get this talk. This may seem early, but statistically some girls have already started their periods, and this can be traumatic if they're not prepared. Menstruation has more to do with reaching about 100 lbs of weight with at least 14% body fat than reaching a certain age. Long before this, the first time I connected their meltdown with my cycle, I had the "you're getting you're grown up woman emotions talk." These meltdowns are completely different from regular childhood meltdowns. They make no sense and cannot be solved even by giving in. They must run their course. They also usually occur only once a month and are over in a few hours.
I don't think my mom knew about this when I was growing up. My meltdowns were met with frustration. They made no more sense to me than to my parents. There's no sense to them. There is no solution. Every little thing that's bothering you becomes a big deal and there is no way to fix it. You'll hear things like, "I don't have any friends. Nobody likes me. I hate school." All from a child with lots of friends who is well liked and gets up excited to go to school every morning.
Try telling them this during their meltdown and it will only make things worse. Take notes. These are your child's insecurities talking. You can consider how to bolster their confidence in these areas later, during normal life. During the meltdown they need quiet time alone. In our house they can throw fits all they want, but the rest of us don't have to listen to them. Ergo, fits must be taken to their bedrooms. After the fit we have our talk.
The "You're Getting Your Grown Up Woman Emotions Talk":
After explaining how their hormones have begun to cycle to prepare their body for when they grow up and want to have babies, we talk about how they felt when they were having their fit. We compare what they felt and said then to what they feel now. They quickly realize how crazy what they felt was. I explain how this is going to continue to various degrees. Then we talk about how to deal with these emotional meltdowns. There a several important rules I apply to myself and teach my daughters for dealing with strong emotional swings.
1. Take care of yourself. Get a little extra sleep. Eat a small chocolate. Take some time alone in a quiet place. Workout. Don't feel bad about doing this. As women, we are inclined to take care of everyone else and neglect ourselves. In school our daughters are constantly pushed to keep up with academics and sports, and their bodies sometimes suffer. It's important to take care of ourselves first so we don't burn out. If it strikes on Monday morning, stay home from school. A lunch date with mom while learning how to be a woman responsible for herself is more important than one missed day of school.
2. Keep silent. It is too easy to say something you'll regret later. Stay off the phone. No texting. Keep off Facebook. Send no emails. Pass no notes. If you feel the need to communicate, keep a journal. Write all the crappy things about your life down and look back at it a few days later. Decide then what is ridiculous and what you might actually need to do something about.
3. Let it go when it's over. Recognize that our bodies will do and feel things that our brains can find no sense in. There's no need to do anything or solve anything. When it's over, let it be over. Mom and dad don't bring it up or dwell on it. There's no punishment. Punishment for something they have no control over is unwarranted. There's no behavior modification that can stop this. Letting it go will keep the emotions from accumulating and becoming successively worse. Furthermore, giving any credence to what came up during the meltdown will cause a domino effect of drama.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Not even really embarrassing. Yet so much emotional agony could be relieved if we take the time to explain to our daughters what their hormones are doing to them and how they can mitigate the damage, rather than just casually blaming hormones for everything.
Ok, so you get what to do to minimize the melodrama. But what about the smart ass attitude? I cringe when I hear even young kids talking to their parents disrespectfully. This is a crisis of our times and it has such a simple solution.
First, you must realize that this disrespectful speech is not generally about attitude. It is a combination of the natural process of children beginning to assert their independence AND a continuation of the natural developmental process that started the day they were born of imitating observed behavior and studying the reaction.
By Middle School, most people assume that this behavior is ALL about asserting independence and forget that the developmental process is still going on. Truthfully, it never stops. We do it as adults. We just have far more happening that we understand than we don't. There are many ways to assert independence that are not disrespectful. If disrespectful speech and behavior does not work, they will find these other ways. So, how do you curb the disrespect?
Practice this phrase, "Would you like to find another way of saying that that won't get you in trouble?" Say it out loud a few times right now. How about, "Would you like to try doing that again in a way that won't get you in trouble?" or "Would you like to try saying that in a tone of voice that won't make me want to slap you?" (I've never slapped my children, but I think it's okay to let them know how people react emotionally to certain tones of voice.) or "Would you like to try asking for that in a way that might actually make me want to get it for you?" (No change, no get.) Then wait patiently for them to do it. It might take them some time to figure out an alternative. Don't rush past this moment.
I don't know how well this will work on a teenager for whom unacceptable behavior has long been allowed. But if you start it early and use it consistently it works. By using this phrase you are accepting that this is a teaching moment for your child and not an offense to you. You are giving them the option of trying an alternate form of communication and behavior.
Sometimes, after they have changed their phrasing, they will want to know why their first phrasing was unacceptable. It's then that you'll realize I'm right. This wasn't much about them trying to assert their independence. They don't even have the bad attitude they were presenting. It was an experiment in social behavior, and you gave them the right reaction to allow them to develop into a respectful adult, capable of healthy interactions with other people.
Keep practicing. Make it your automatic response. This is important. If you fail at this you're letting your children grow up to be unemployable. Setting them up for failure. Keep your cool and say it again. If they're disrespectful to you they'll be disrespectful to everyone. This really is the crisis of our times. And the solution is simple, but it must be backed up by the unwavering patience and consistent instruction of parents everywhere.
My oldest daughter is fourteen and my youngest is six. I am grateful to be out of the toddler years, and thoroughly enjoying my foray into the early teens. This statement keeps astonishing people. I have two daughters in Middle School! How am I not going crazy with the emotional drama and the attitude?!?
These are two separate issues which I will address individually. The emotional drama for girls actually begins early. My husband frequently says that the "pre" in PMS begins at birth. Some girls are just more melodramatic than others. Ignore it and it will usually diminish. As far as the PMS goes, it really does start to kick in around the age of nine. While girls may be years away from beginning menstruation, the necessary hormones are already beginning to cycle in slowly increasing amounts.
You'll begin to notice a random meltdown occurs about once a month, and around the time mom is starting her period. This is a good time to have your first period talk. In school, in fourth grade, all girls get what I call the "don't panic when you start your period talk." Boys won't get their first sex talk until fifth grade. They go play sports or something while the girls get this talk. This may seem early, but statistically some girls have already started their periods, and this can be traumatic if they're not prepared. Menstruation has more to do with reaching about 100 lbs of weight with at least 14% body fat than reaching a certain age. Long before this, the first time I connected their meltdown with my cycle, I had the "you're getting you're grown up woman emotions talk." These meltdowns are completely different from regular childhood meltdowns. They make no sense and cannot be solved even by giving in. They must run their course. They also usually occur only once a month and are over in a few hours.
I don't think my mom knew about this when I was growing up. My meltdowns were met with frustration. They made no more sense to me than to my parents. There's no sense to them. There is no solution. Every little thing that's bothering you becomes a big deal and there is no way to fix it. You'll hear things like, "I don't have any friends. Nobody likes me. I hate school." All from a child with lots of friends who is well liked and gets up excited to go to school every morning.
Try telling them this during their meltdown and it will only make things worse. Take notes. These are your child's insecurities talking. You can consider how to bolster their confidence in these areas later, during normal life. During the meltdown they need quiet time alone. In our house they can throw fits all they want, but the rest of us don't have to listen to them. Ergo, fits must be taken to their bedrooms. After the fit we have our talk.
The "You're Getting Your Grown Up Woman Emotions Talk":
After explaining how their hormones have begun to cycle to prepare their body for when they grow up and want to have babies, we talk about how they felt when they were having their fit. We compare what they felt and said then to what they feel now. They quickly realize how crazy what they felt was. I explain how this is going to continue to various degrees. Then we talk about how to deal with these emotional meltdowns. There a several important rules I apply to myself and teach my daughters for dealing with strong emotional swings.
1. Take care of yourself. Get a little extra sleep. Eat a small chocolate. Take some time alone in a quiet place. Workout. Don't feel bad about doing this. As women, we are inclined to take care of everyone else and neglect ourselves. In school our daughters are constantly pushed to keep up with academics and sports, and their bodies sometimes suffer. It's important to take care of ourselves first so we don't burn out. If it strikes on Monday morning, stay home from school. A lunch date with mom while learning how to be a woman responsible for herself is more important than one missed day of school.
2. Keep silent. It is too easy to say something you'll regret later. Stay off the phone. No texting. Keep off Facebook. Send no emails. Pass no notes. If you feel the need to communicate, keep a journal. Write all the crappy things about your life down and look back at it a few days later. Decide then what is ridiculous and what you might actually need to do something about.
3. Let it go when it's over. Recognize that our bodies will do and feel things that our brains can find no sense in. There's no need to do anything or solve anything. When it's over, let it be over. Mom and dad don't bring it up or dwell on it. There's no punishment. Punishment for something they have no control over is unwarranted. There's no behavior modification that can stop this. Letting it go will keep the emotions from accumulating and becoming successively worse. Furthermore, giving any credence to what came up during the meltdown will cause a domino effect of drama.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Not even really embarrassing. Yet so much emotional agony could be relieved if we take the time to explain to our daughters what their hormones are doing to them and how they can mitigate the damage, rather than just casually blaming hormones for everything.
Ok, so you get what to do to minimize the melodrama. But what about the smart ass attitude? I cringe when I hear even young kids talking to their parents disrespectfully. This is a crisis of our times and it has such a simple solution.
First, you must realize that this disrespectful speech is not generally about attitude. It is a combination of the natural process of children beginning to assert their independence AND a continuation of the natural developmental process that started the day they were born of imitating observed behavior and studying the reaction.
By Middle School, most people assume that this behavior is ALL about asserting independence and forget that the developmental process is still going on. Truthfully, it never stops. We do it as adults. We just have far more happening that we understand than we don't. There are many ways to assert independence that are not disrespectful. If disrespectful speech and behavior does not work, they will find these other ways. So, how do you curb the disrespect?
Practice this phrase, "Would you like to find another way of saying that that won't get you in trouble?" Say it out loud a few times right now. How about, "Would you like to try doing that again in a way that won't get you in trouble?" or "Would you like to try saying that in a tone of voice that won't make me want to slap you?" (I've never slapped my children, but I think it's okay to let them know how people react emotionally to certain tones of voice.) or "Would you like to try asking for that in a way that might actually make me want to get it for you?" (No change, no get.) Then wait patiently for them to do it. It might take them some time to figure out an alternative. Don't rush past this moment.
I don't know how well this will work on a teenager for whom unacceptable behavior has long been allowed. But if you start it early and use it consistently it works. By using this phrase you are accepting that this is a teaching moment for your child and not an offense to you. You are giving them the option of trying an alternate form of communication and behavior.
Sometimes, after they have changed their phrasing, they will want to know why their first phrasing was unacceptable. It's then that you'll realize I'm right. This wasn't much about them trying to assert their independence. They don't even have the bad attitude they were presenting. It was an experiment in social behavior, and you gave them the right reaction to allow them to develop into a respectful adult, capable of healthy interactions with other people.
Keep practicing. Make it your automatic response. This is important. If you fail at this you're letting your children grow up to be unemployable. Setting them up for failure. Keep your cool and say it again. If they're disrespectful to you they'll be disrespectful to everyone. This really is the crisis of our times. And the solution is simple, but it must be backed up by the unwavering patience and consistent instruction of parents everywhere.
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