A recent article made the rounds of educational circles about the independence that children in more primitive cultures enjoy and how they appear to be happier than children in first world countries. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/may/04/leave-them-kids-alone-griffiths) While it would be ridiculous for us, in our modern cities, to let our children run free with machetes at the age of five, there is something to be learned from the observations made. The age of independence has been gradually increasing in America for the last hundred years. The definition of independence at each stage of development has also been under perpetual modification.
Like most people, I can look back at my own youth and see a distinctly different and far looser set of parameters for personal liberty than I can reasonably allow my own children. I don't think anyone would argue that that's a good thing. There's no going back to the days before the internet made us aware of how often and how reprehensible crimes against children can occur, so the question becomes; how do we foster independence in our children while still protecting them from societies bogey men?
Some parents argue for constant supervision and blame every mishap on the lack of it. But, the most common cause of broken bones among preschoolers is parents going down the slide with them because they're scared to let them go down alone. Supervision is generally a good thing, but overprotection has its down sides. That so much crime still happens, and to generally vigilant parents who only turned away for a second, tells us this attitude is not solving the problem. Even if we can watch our kids every second of their childhood, they eventually have to become independent enough to leave home and take care of themselves. We can become so focused on our fears for them that we create a disability in this area.
I would argue that we're already seeing the negative impact of overprotecting our children across society. However, I'm not writing this article to argue. I write to make people think, and to offer practical suggestions. Now that you know why I'm making a deliberate effort to build independence in my children, let me explain how I'm attempting to do it.
First, my husband and I spent a lot of time when our children were small discussing what we observed and remembered from our own childhoods, and what we were seeing other families do in the present. We watched our children for developmental milestones that would indicate their readiness for more independence rather than tagging certain liberties to specific ages. We talked about what was practical for us, in our neighborhood, with our resources. We communicated and were in agreement at each stage. This is VERY IMPORTANT! When you have different expectations from different parents you get holes in your security plans. Kids are great at finding holes. Sometimes agreeing requires saying that you'll try something that is perhaps uncomfortable for one of you and setting a metric for success before making it policy.
Skills for independence must be taught. When parents have to leave their kids with a key to get in the house after school because they're at work, you can bet they're teaching these skills early and often. In addition to teaching general life skills, we made a list of the rules and expectations for when we're not home and talked about them with our kids. Being able to understand why each of the rules exists is one of the ways we know they're getting old enough for short periods of being home alone. Examples: Stay in the house or back yard. Don't answer the door for anyone but certain relatives or even talk to people through it. No playing with water. They know how to feed themselves, but no cooking with appliances (including microwave or toaster). Big sisters are in charge. If little sisters are getting out of hand then big sisters can put on a movie that will settle them down. Big sisters are expected to sacrifice their own preferences (in movie, food, or games) to keep little sisters safe and calm. Call or text us early if a problem arises. Don't wait for things to get out of hand. Know how to call 911, perform CPR (for the older ones), evacuate the house, and which neighbor to go to in an emergency.
In our house the difference in ages isn't that great, so we don't have teenagers babysitting toddlers. We did have the older two "practice babysitting," beginning at age eightish, on nights mom had places to go and dad was tired. He'd go to bed with one ear open and they'd try to get along and take care of themselves so they wouldn't wake him up. They didn't always succeed, but they tried hard and learned a lot. When they were successful at that, I began leaving them alone during the day for fifteen minutes at a time while I ran an errand or went for a walk. As that time became longer, I began to leave them with a chore to do before I got home. Their drive to prove themselves was so great that they'd get more done in my absence than when I was home. A chore or some directed activity helps keep sibling conflict down.
I began allowing them time home alone at different ages. From time to time the whole family goes out and one wants to stay behind. My oldest, with her learning disabilities, was actually much older before she wanted to be home alone. She had more fear. The second is highly gifted and felt the need for independence and was ready for it much earlier. The third, also highly gifted, is such a homebody she never wants to go out with us. The youngest is still too young to stay home alone, and will probably need to be a little older than the middle two. Ten is the average age, but know your kids.
There is no law about what age parents can leave their children home alone. Some kids are super mature and get paid babysitting jobs at age thirteen. Others are still liable to burn the house down age age sixteen. Parents who get in trouble for leaving their kids home alone are charged with neglect. This is a much more flexible term that can be argued. If you can articulate how you have prepared your children for the level of independence you've given them, and why you feel they're ready for it, you're probably okay. If your argument is about how you had to leave them because of work, etc., you're probably not. Neglect is when you think of your own needs before your kids'.
Recently, we've ventured into the next level of independence; going somewhere alone without parents. After taking a couple of walks to the corner store with them, we're allowing our oldest two to walk there alone to get slurpees this summer. They have to go together, they have to take a phone, and they have to get permission from a parent who is home at the time. We're taking more local walks together to expand their list of allowable places to go alone, and also preparing them for using the city bus system to get around by using it as a family to go places.
It's a process that continues and, in our modern society, requires some deliberate thought. For some of you this probably sounds extremely restrictive, and for others far too permissive. You have to find the balance that is right for your own family. I just want to encourage you to think about it. I would love to hear from other parents how you've gone through this process.
Like most people, I can look back at my own youth and see a distinctly different and far looser set of parameters for personal liberty than I can reasonably allow my own children. I don't think anyone would argue that that's a good thing. There's no going back to the days before the internet made us aware of how often and how reprehensible crimes against children can occur, so the question becomes; how do we foster independence in our children while still protecting them from societies bogey men?
Some parents argue for constant supervision and blame every mishap on the lack of it. But, the most common cause of broken bones among preschoolers is parents going down the slide with them because they're scared to let them go down alone. Supervision is generally a good thing, but overprotection has its down sides. That so much crime still happens, and to generally vigilant parents who only turned away for a second, tells us this attitude is not solving the problem. Even if we can watch our kids every second of their childhood, they eventually have to become independent enough to leave home and take care of themselves. We can become so focused on our fears for them that we create a disability in this area.
I would argue that we're already seeing the negative impact of overprotecting our children across society. However, I'm not writing this article to argue. I write to make people think, and to offer practical suggestions. Now that you know why I'm making a deliberate effort to build independence in my children, let me explain how I'm attempting to do it.
First, my husband and I spent a lot of time when our children were small discussing what we observed and remembered from our own childhoods, and what we were seeing other families do in the present. We watched our children for developmental milestones that would indicate their readiness for more independence rather than tagging certain liberties to specific ages. We talked about what was practical for us, in our neighborhood, with our resources. We communicated and were in agreement at each stage. This is VERY IMPORTANT! When you have different expectations from different parents you get holes in your security plans. Kids are great at finding holes. Sometimes agreeing requires saying that you'll try something that is perhaps uncomfortable for one of you and setting a metric for success before making it policy.
Skills for independence must be taught. When parents have to leave their kids with a key to get in the house after school because they're at work, you can bet they're teaching these skills early and often. In addition to teaching general life skills, we made a list of the rules and expectations for when we're not home and talked about them with our kids. Being able to understand why each of the rules exists is one of the ways we know they're getting old enough for short periods of being home alone. Examples: Stay in the house or back yard. Don't answer the door for anyone but certain relatives or even talk to people through it. No playing with water. They know how to feed themselves, but no cooking with appliances (including microwave or toaster). Big sisters are in charge. If little sisters are getting out of hand then big sisters can put on a movie that will settle them down. Big sisters are expected to sacrifice their own preferences (in movie, food, or games) to keep little sisters safe and calm. Call or text us early if a problem arises. Don't wait for things to get out of hand. Know how to call 911, perform CPR (for the older ones), evacuate the house, and which neighbor to go to in an emergency.
In our house the difference in ages isn't that great, so we don't have teenagers babysitting toddlers. We did have the older two "practice babysitting," beginning at age eightish, on nights mom had places to go and dad was tired. He'd go to bed with one ear open and they'd try to get along and take care of themselves so they wouldn't wake him up. They didn't always succeed, but they tried hard and learned a lot. When they were successful at that, I began leaving them alone during the day for fifteen minutes at a time while I ran an errand or went for a walk. As that time became longer, I began to leave them with a chore to do before I got home. Their drive to prove themselves was so great that they'd get more done in my absence than when I was home. A chore or some directed activity helps keep sibling conflict down.
I began allowing them time home alone at different ages. From time to time the whole family goes out and one wants to stay behind. My oldest, with her learning disabilities, was actually much older before she wanted to be home alone. She had more fear. The second is highly gifted and felt the need for independence and was ready for it much earlier. The third, also highly gifted, is such a homebody she never wants to go out with us. The youngest is still too young to stay home alone, and will probably need to be a little older than the middle two. Ten is the average age, but know your kids.
There is no law about what age parents can leave their children home alone. Some kids are super mature and get paid babysitting jobs at age thirteen. Others are still liable to burn the house down age age sixteen. Parents who get in trouble for leaving their kids home alone are charged with neglect. This is a much more flexible term that can be argued. If you can articulate how you have prepared your children for the level of independence you've given them, and why you feel they're ready for it, you're probably okay. If your argument is about how you had to leave them because of work, etc., you're probably not. Neglect is when you think of your own needs before your kids'.
Recently, we've ventured into the next level of independence; going somewhere alone without parents. After taking a couple of walks to the corner store with them, we're allowing our oldest two to walk there alone to get slurpees this summer. They have to go together, they have to take a phone, and they have to get permission from a parent who is home at the time. We're taking more local walks together to expand their list of allowable places to go alone, and also preparing them for using the city bus system to get around by using it as a family to go places.
It's a process that continues and, in our modern society, requires some deliberate thought. For some of you this probably sounds extremely restrictive, and for others far too permissive. You have to find the balance that is right for your own family. I just want to encourage you to think about it. I would love to hear from other parents how you've gone through this process.
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