"There is one thing a man can always do, and that is his duty." - Mr. Knightly, Jane Austen's "Emma"
An honorable man will always choose his wife and children over his family of origin. But a confident woman would never make her husband cut off his first family. She knows he draws strength from his roots.
An insecure woman wants a weak husband, so she uproots him and pots him in a place she can control. She uses manipulation to get what she wants because she doesn't trust his love for her. Often this stems from feelings of unworthiness. But her success doesn't satisfy her insecurity because she can't trust a man whom she can manipulate into cutting off his family, not to be manipulated by some future competitor into cutting her off.
Young men are drawn to insecure women because as long as she needs his affirmation she will make him feel important; feel strong. But he becomes insecure, worried about what she will do if he opposes her in any way. It's like the mythical call of the sirens that draws sailors from their ships only to be dashed against the rocks.
Like Odysseus' wife, a wise woman is not afraid to test her husband. She knows it is better to find out for certain in the beginning whether her heart can safely trust him. Then she can be the confident woman. Then she can have a genuinely strong husband.
She will not fear his connections to the past but nurture them. His whole family, and all who see, will honor her. Because she is an honorable woman.
From a broader cultural perspective, this is why men should support equality for women in every area. They should want a culture that raises strong confident women because strong confident partners will make them stronger too.
In the church, people excuse this exclusionary behavior towards family of origin with the verse that says "for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife." As if there is any acceptable Christian reason for completely rejecting anybody, much less your father and mother, whom you were first commanded to honor. The joining, or cleaving as it's called in other verses, is meant to be the central priority, not the only priority. The first responsibility, not the last. It is a very poor view of your partner's love to think that if anybody else gets some there won't be enough for you. If you have to hoard it, it's not going to be enough sustain you for the rest of your life.
From a biblical standpoint, a man becomes joined to his wife, they become one flesh, and therefore they have the same parents and the same siblings, inclusive of each family of origin. While they physically create space to build their own family, the requirement to honor is not suspended. Neither is the commandment to love your neighbor. If your siblings don't at least fall into that category, what are they? Enemies? You're commanded to love them too.
The problem is that it's easier to pick and choose our religious beliefs to excuse our neurosis rather than to overcome them. If we don't acknowledge our insecurities we can never be healed of them.
Whether or not you have religious motivation to seek restoration within your family relationships, consider doing it just because it will make you a better person. When we choose the hard thing, it strengthens us. We find out who we really are. When we acknowledge who we are, we can decide to become someone better, and actually figure out how to do it. When we become better people, we become better partners and better parents. We build genuine trust in our marriages. We don't pass on our dysfunctional attributes to our children.
When I made the choice to have children, my decision was heavily weighted by the idea of my future grandchildren, and all the fun I plan have with them. If I don't teach my kids how to reconcile, if I don't raise them to be secure confident women, I could lose that future happiness. If I don't model that behavior, how will they learn?
I had a personal anecdote to add, but it's still too painful. Suffice it to say, I understand exactly how difficult it is to do what I'm saying here. I know that many will read this and say, "but..." It's true that I don't know your family, and I don't know the experiences that have fed your insecurities. Our excuses don't change fundamental truths. The level of difficulty does not make the ideal of secure balanced partnerships, in which to raise children, any less important to strive toward. I know that we will try and fail repeatedly. It is my hope that we will never stop trying, no matter how much we fail.
An honorable man will always choose his wife and children over his family of origin. But a confident woman would never make her husband cut off his first family. She knows he draws strength from his roots.
An insecure woman wants a weak husband, so she uproots him and pots him in a place she can control. She uses manipulation to get what she wants because she doesn't trust his love for her. Often this stems from feelings of unworthiness. But her success doesn't satisfy her insecurity because she can't trust a man whom she can manipulate into cutting off his family, not to be manipulated by some future competitor into cutting her off.
Young men are drawn to insecure women because as long as she needs his affirmation she will make him feel important; feel strong. But he becomes insecure, worried about what she will do if he opposes her in any way. It's like the mythical call of the sirens that draws sailors from their ships only to be dashed against the rocks.
Like Odysseus' wife, a wise woman is not afraid to test her husband. She knows it is better to find out for certain in the beginning whether her heart can safely trust him. Then she can be the confident woman. Then she can have a genuinely strong husband.
She will not fear his connections to the past but nurture them. His whole family, and all who see, will honor her. Because she is an honorable woman.
From a broader cultural perspective, this is why men should support equality for women in every area. They should want a culture that raises strong confident women because strong confident partners will make them stronger too.
In the church, people excuse this exclusionary behavior towards family of origin with the verse that says "for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife." As if there is any acceptable Christian reason for completely rejecting anybody, much less your father and mother, whom you were first commanded to honor. The joining, or cleaving as it's called in other verses, is meant to be the central priority, not the only priority. The first responsibility, not the last. It is a very poor view of your partner's love to think that if anybody else gets some there won't be enough for you. If you have to hoard it, it's not going to be enough sustain you for the rest of your life.
From a biblical standpoint, a man becomes joined to his wife, they become one flesh, and therefore they have the same parents and the same siblings, inclusive of each family of origin. While they physically create space to build their own family, the requirement to honor is not suspended. Neither is the commandment to love your neighbor. If your siblings don't at least fall into that category, what are they? Enemies? You're commanded to love them too.
The problem is that it's easier to pick and choose our religious beliefs to excuse our neurosis rather than to overcome them. If we don't acknowledge our insecurities we can never be healed of them.
Whether or not you have religious motivation to seek restoration within your family relationships, consider doing it just because it will make you a better person. When we choose the hard thing, it strengthens us. We find out who we really are. When we acknowledge who we are, we can decide to become someone better, and actually figure out how to do it. When we become better people, we become better partners and better parents. We build genuine trust in our marriages. We don't pass on our dysfunctional attributes to our children.
When I made the choice to have children, my decision was heavily weighted by the idea of my future grandchildren, and all the fun I plan have with them. If I don't teach my kids how to reconcile, if I don't raise them to be secure confident women, I could lose that future happiness. If I don't model that behavior, how will they learn?
I had a personal anecdote to add, but it's still too painful. Suffice it to say, I understand exactly how difficult it is to do what I'm saying here. I know that many will read this and say, "but..." It's true that I don't know your family, and I don't know the experiences that have fed your insecurities. Our excuses don't change fundamental truths. The level of difficulty does not make the ideal of secure balanced partnerships, in which to raise children, any less important to strive toward. I know that we will try and fail repeatedly. It is my hope that we will never stop trying, no matter how much we fail.
I loved this Lissa. I can relate. I am a strong (I think) man who was in a short-lived romantic relationship with a woman who was then struggling to overcome insecurity. I knew "deep down" that we were not going to last too long -- I knew her history of:
ReplyDelete1. Find a man
2. Enjoy the intimacy for a stretch
3. Concoct a reason to break up.
4. Find another man.
She was my first experience of romance and even though I knew it was ill-fated, I enjoyed it as long as possible.
I honored her both as a woman, first and foremost as a friend (we'd been good friends twelve years prior) and later as a romantic partner. After we broke up -- her coice-- we reconciled, and are still friends today.