Secret Santas and Forgiveness

Last Christmas was a rather depressing financial low point for us. We just couldn't do much in the way of presents or festivities. I was so depressed I put up the tree and left it bare. The kids scrounged together some decorations. It got to the point where the financial stress was giving me chest pains. 

By March we decided it was time to turn over a new leaf, get our finances in order, and pay off our credit cards. We made a strict budget for the rest of the year and every time I paid a bill on time, paid off a credit card, or said no to something not in the budget, my stress level diminished. In less than a week the chest pains were gone and haven't come back. 

In order to do this we had to use the phrase "we can't afford that right now" a lot with our kids. We didn't have big birthday parties, didn't go for long drives, and ate at home more. It wasn't completely awful. We didn't eat Top Ramen every night. We just thought, "do I want this thing more than I want to get out of debt and not be stressed all the time about money." The answer to that question was usually a big, "no."

The year has actually been a good one financially. We significantly reduced our debt, still managed to send the kids to camp in the summer, and I worked from home this fall to bring in some extra income in part because I wanted to be able to give at Christmas. I didn't want a repeat of last year's depression. 

Apparently, neither did my responsible and sensitive E. She remembered the rough time last year and the tight budget we've been keeping this year and was worried about Christmas. So, she signed her sisters and herself up for the Secret Santa program through a sort of teen community center where she goes for rock climbing. It was months ago, and she didn't ask or tell me because she wanted it to be a surprise. 

I was surprised all right! Because of last year, I had decided I needed to stop trying to stretch so far and take care of my kids first. I did feel their concern and it was painful to me. In addition, it's the thinking of each person in the family, and putting together a gift just for them, that lifts my spirits and gets me going this season. Giving is definitely my primary love language.  But my budget is still quite limited, and I'm paying closer attention to it, so this is the first year that I didn't go pull Secret Santa tags off one of the many trees about town to buy gifts for local families in need. We've given to the community in other ways, because I think that's an important part of Christmas, but not in this particular way. 

Tonight, E came back from rock climbing with an enormous bag over her shoulder.  I want to laugh at the irony, cry at the generosity of our community, and blush with embarrassment as she added those gifts to the heap already under our tree. 

My pride reacted with an immediate desire to send these gifts back or pass them on to other families who may need them more. I managed to restrain that reaction. What's more important to me, is to honor her concern and her effort to make sure her sisters got good presents this year. She was very proud of herself and told me that they (at the center) encouraged her to sign up because they needed a few more kids to sign up in order to have enough to be a participating agency. So other kids might not have been able to if she hadn't too. 

This isn't the first time we've benefitted from a community program. There were some lean years getting started as a family, and some more when we were taking care of my father-in-law while he was dying of cancer. There's no way to ever repay those who give. Nor a polite way to refuse now. Only gratitude, and the knowledge that we weren't the first young people to need a little extra help, things won't always be so tight, and we will have many opportunities to pay it forward. 

As 'crazy situations your Tweens get you into' go, this isn't so bad. Her heart for her family is precious. It's a good reminder that our kids are paying attention, and they worry about us too. None of us will get our kids through to adulthood without making a few mistakes. Usually without even realizing it. 

We think a lot about giving at Christmas. The wise men gave gifts to the baby Jesus. Jesus himself was a gift from God. Not just to be a good teacher and educate us about how to live. He came to die as the means to a more important gift, the gift of forgiveness. That whatever sin separated a person from God could be forgiven, as though it had never happened. 

A physical gift is not just a physical gift. It embodies the thoughts we have toward one another. It's difficult to give a thoughtful gift to someone you haven't forgiven. An impersonal gift without any effort or thought can actually feel offensive if the recipient speaks in the love language of gifts. A gift need not be expensive. But the giver should be aware that they're communicating something. 

This year, as I prepare to give good gifts to my family, I'd like to think of each one as renewal of forgiveness. A laying aside of anything and everything that may have happened over the past year, a sweeping aside of any offense that may separate us. A promise that between family we forgive even before an offense occurs, because we know that they are inevitable. That the love we have for each other is greater than any possible offense. That this love will cover our failures as parents. On a larger scale, that the love of our community extends, even to a worried 12 year old, without conditions. 

Proverbs 10:12 (NKJV) says, "Love covers all sins." The first gift of Christmas was forgiveness. Let's attach it to every gift like a bow, and pass it on. 

Note: My comments about love languages on this blog refer to the book "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. An excellent resource, that articulates how we all communicate love differently, and how to understand each other better.