Child Safety vs Independence

When issues of child safety vs independence come up there's always a lot of tension. Not just between people, but within us as moms. How do we foster independence in our children without putting them in any danger? We can't! There's no way to do it without some level of risk. But that's the point. We want them to learn thoughtful risk management so they can continue to be safe out in the world as young adults. 

I was abused by my foster brother in the 'safety of my own home' and as a mother have had to fight the random persistent fear that anyone I know could be a child molester. I know in my logical brain that it's just not true, but I'm perhaps more vigilant in that area than a mother who doesn't have that experience. On the other hand, I had the run of our small town at age seven and was babysitting someone else's five children at the age of 15 and no one thought that was dangerous or unusual at the time. My kids are growing up in a much different world, but because of that experience I've pushed myself to find ways to give them more freedom than some people think is appropriate. It's easy to underestimate the level of independence a child is ready for because our protective instinct is so strong. But remembering the glorious feeling of my own slowly escalating freedom growing up, and putting specific ages to it, has given me some perspective. 

I've looked around to see what other parents are allowing and it's all over the place. Some people want to codify into law a specific set of guidelines, usually very strict ones. But they're usually people that don't have the challenges of poverty to contend with. The law is presently pretty flexible where I am in California and that's important because, as parents, we're all trying to do our best, every child is different in what they're prepared to face in the world at each age, and the world they're growing up in is constantly changing. Furthermore, the challenges being faced by an increasingly large percentage of Americans living in poverty can be solved in a variety of creative ways that may not always fit a legal box made by well meaning people in a more privileged class.

There have been times that I've considered calling CPS about what appeared to me to be a bad/dangerous parenting decision, but haven't been compelled to actually do it yet. My dad was a police officer when I was young so I'm not squeamish about calling the cops. But when we see something we have a choice: is it serious enough to possibly warrant separating the child from their parents (causing definite trauma) or is that family just in need of a supportive community instead. Like most parents, I would do anything to protect a child, including someone else's. We can stay and watch over a child we think may be unsupervised and talk (kindly) to the parent when they show up. We can lend a hand to another mom with her hands full. We can say a kind word to a child whose mom looks unhinged in the grocery store. We've all been there. But our culture has become very hostile toward parents. Making an effort to be the community that you would like to have can be a better solution. 

On the other side of that equation I've received a call from CPS because of something my two year old said in preschool. My husband and I met with the agent and clarified our disciplinary policy, which is well reasoned and was not a problem. But that visit was as scary as hell. I've done the mandated reporter training, though I'm not currently in the position of being one, so I understand why the preschool teacher had to report first. But my visceral reaction toward her for not approaching ME first was severe. I can imagine a less confident parent making more trouble for themselves by having a massively explosive reaction. For most of us a call from CPS is our second biggest nightmare, close behind actually losing a child.

This brings me to my last point. Ultimately, some children will be lost. That's why we have that nightmare. We know there are horrible people out there who know we can't do it all. They know we can't possibly watch our child every second of their lives. And they're looking for openings to exploit. We know that the world is a dangerous place and a deadly accident can happen in the blink of an eye. We know that our brains are not capable of the vigilant undistracted watchfulness that internet trolls expect us to have over our children. This is the horrible fear every parent must live with. We cannot take that much responsibility on ourselves. The world is what it is, and we can only do so much within it. When we are crippled by fear of the world, we cripple our children's ability to live in it. We have to raise them for the world we want to build, without unreasonable fear of the world we are in. This is the opportunity cost. Generations of parents who lost half their children to disease and accidents kept pressing forward. They left us a much safer world. We cannot let fear, or grief, stop the forward progress of humanity. 

As my kids are all getting older, the biggest takeaways on the independence vs child safety argument that I can offer are these:

• Teach the skills they need for independence early and often. It will be a long process and there will be some risk. 

• Don't rush to judge what other parents are allowing because you don't know what level they've taught to and what their risk/benefit analysis with their child was. 

• There's a big risk in waiting too long to cultivate independence, that you will miss the window and have risk averse young adults living with you forever. 

• The dangers we have to guard against are different, but statistically we are living in a safer world than the one we were raised in. Fear causes us to make bad decisions, so it's important to fight against it. 

• When you've done your best, be kind to yourself. And be kind to other parents. We all have to go through this, and not everyone will come out unscathed.