I loved the part in "The Matrix" where Neo is being trained, and his residual self-image is explained. I especially love that term, "residual self-image." Having four daughters, I'm often caught by articles about body image and self-esteem. They're everywhere. And I just don't get it. There are so many ways to be beautiful. Why are so many woman carrying around such terrible residual self-images?
I'm always a little surprised when I see myself in a mirror because I'm not as stunning as I feel just walking around. My residual self-image is perhaps a bit out of touch with reality at this point. I'm still thirty flirty and fine in my mind. I guess I never registered any of the negative input out there. I still love my Barbies, but never thought I ought to look like them. I see skinny models and think they look like bony refugees. It's perhaps one of the few body types that aren't beautiful to me.
A woman is never more beautiful, in my opinion, than when she's growing with child. I love that modern maternity fashion is celebrating the shape instead of trying to hide it. Even the post-partum body is beautiful as it transitions into the softer curves of a fertility goddess. It's a shape that drives men crazy on a subconscious level, scientifically demonstrated to be more attractive to them than a bikini model figure. Don't women know this?
Why am I so out of touch with this apparently huge problem?!? In my ignorance, I seem to be raising daughters who are just as self-confident about their bodies as I am. Thank goodness for that. But how? And is there something useful I can contribute to women and girls who struggle with this issue?
Many feminists seem to think the problem begins with fairy tales, in which pretty girls are always good and ugly girls are always bad. This makes no sense to me either. When I read fairy tales, I saw that good girls grew beautiful, and bad girls made themselves ugly. This was affirmed by my life experiences, in which persons with a mean disposition quickly lost their beauty to foul facial expressions, and a kind heart could always be seen shining beautifully, even in unconventional faces.
There also seems to be some confusion between the terms beautiful and attractive. If you struggle to understand the difference, go to an art exhibit. A book won't do. You have to view art in person. Look deeply at each piece. Learn something about the artist. Observe how works that are not initially beautiful to you can still draw you in. They're still attractive. Then watch as a work that attracted you can become more beautiful as you learn about it and respond to it. Attraction is much more complex, much more open ended. Attraction does not require beauty. And it carries far more potential. Beauty is entirely subjective, an ever changing ideal that exists moment by moment in the eye of the beholder. The only way to feel beautiful all the time is to be your own beholder, to subject yourself to no opinion but your own. But you can be attractive without beauty.
Fortunately, we are wired to be attracted to the faces that surround us in infancy. Usually, these are faces that resemble our own. Thus, for every variant genetic group, there are others out there who are wired to find us beautiful, and vice versa. This is why people tend to end up marrying within their own racial group, unless they grew up in a more diverse extended family or community. We all know there are numerous exceptions, but the overall data still supports this. If you're judging your face and figure against someone outside of your group, you're denying the beauty that is in your variation. You're saying that something about your genetic/racial identity is inferior to someone else's. Your community should bitch-slap you for that. You're a beautiful representation of them, and you have every right to stand proudly next to the beauties of other groups. The genetic diversity of the human species is stunning in its scope. To say that one collection of DNA data points is the ideal of beauty for all is utterly ridiculous.
Facial symmetry has received a lot of attention recently as an arbitrary definer of beauty. But while the data suggests more symmetry is initially more attractive, other data suggests that after a certain point it becomes repulsive. Not that we don't want to look at it, but we don't trust it to lead to a stable loving relationship. Being a little off kilter adds interest to a face. It makes it easier to connect with. To be comfortable with. Magazines are filled with perfect faces, because we are attracted to them in an obvious way. Artists like to work with awkward ones, because they are attractive in a more complex way. Whichever you have can be attractive, but both are spoiled by expressions of discontent and judgement.
When it comes to our reproductive imperatives, youth will always be more attractive. We can never return to our youth, but we can sure accelerate aging with an obsession over beauty treatments. Beaty treatments and products are not tested or approved by any governing body. When I've observed a beautiful older woman, she's always had a simple skin care routine, minimal makeup, and a tendency to be content with her life. The latter being the key. Stress ages you prematurely, so the last thing you want to stress about is looking older. With age comes maturity, education, experience, and a host of other attractions that will keep you in good company if you acquire them.
The one aspect of beauty and attraction that we have the most control over is our health. I can carry thirty extra pounds fairly discreetly, but I know that I would feel and look better if I got rid of that extra weight. I have a skin condition that can easily be covered by makeup, but makeup irritates it and makes it worse. I choose to wear it only for important occasions and accept the skin I'm in the rest of the time. There are treatments that could clear it up for a time, but they're expensive, and not a priority over things like braces for the kids. We can eat better, exercise more, and treat our bodies better, and we should. Not to look like someone else's ideal of beauty, but to be the healthiest we can be, because healthy is always a beauty improvement. If you're not there, like me with my extra 30 lbs., don't ever just accept it. Do something. Even if you fail, making an effort is attractive. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is trying? If you keep trying new activities, and new ways to track your calories, you'll eventually find something that works for you. There's not one system and one workout that works for everyone. We're too diverse.
That's why I insist that there are many ways to be beautiful. As many as there are women. If anyone has told you otherwise, they lied to you. If you believe them, you lose your most attractive quality, your confidence. You give up all your control and let yourself become what they said of you. Do you want to be what some liar said you are?
The truth is, people who can't see the beauty in others have a problem with their perceptions. The truth is, you can become more beautiful without changing anything external about yourself. The truth is, your residual self-image is more important than how you actually look on the outside. The truth is, when you see the beauty in yourself and others, you will naturally become more beautiful. Your confidence, and the value you place on your health and well-being will begin to change the way you appear to those around you. The truth is, when you broaden your idea of beauty and attractiveness you will begin to see value, in people and in the world, that you never knew existed before. The truth is, the more you see value in the diversity of the world, the more favorably you will see yourself, as you possess many valuable diverse characteristics too.
I feel like I'm stating the obvious here, but clearly there are many women who struggle with these truths. That's ok. You struggle because you know there's something wrong with what you've been believing about yourself. If something here affirms you, keep it close and remind yourself every day. If something in your mind or heart denies your innate potential for beauty, call it out as a lie and declare the opposite over yourself until it becomes the truth. You have to change the inside first, then the outside follows.
Bonus: How do you confront a lie?
My oldest daughter has always been a fashionista. Her crazy style got her ostracized by the three "popular" girls in elementary school. One day she came to me crying because her best friend had informed her that she wasn't popular because these girls didn't like her. She wisely insisted that this was a lie and I needed to intervene with her friend.
I asked her friend what it meant to be popular. She responded that "most everybody liked you." I asked her if everybody liked the three girls who were called "popular." She told me that nobody liked these girls. I asked her how many people liked my daughter. She answered that pretty much everybody did except those three girls, just a lot of them were afraid to deny the girls and be my daughter's friends. I asked how many people she thought liked her. She said, pretty much most people. So, I asked her who were the more popular girls at school. She figured out that my daughter and she was.
The issue was settled, and I like to think that moment had a strong impact on the self-confident young woman my daughter's friend has become. She has never cowed to a bully since. Sometimes we need help to see the truth, but once we do, it has the power to change our whole lives.
*** This post was featured in the Redwood Empire Mensa Bulletin, Sept. 2013 edition.
I'm always a little surprised when I see myself in a mirror because I'm not as stunning as I feel just walking around. My residual self-image is perhaps a bit out of touch with reality at this point. I'm still thirty flirty and fine in my mind. I guess I never registered any of the negative input out there. I still love my Barbies, but never thought I ought to look like them. I see skinny models and think they look like bony refugees. It's perhaps one of the few body types that aren't beautiful to me.
A woman is never more beautiful, in my opinion, than when she's growing with child. I love that modern maternity fashion is celebrating the shape instead of trying to hide it. Even the post-partum body is beautiful as it transitions into the softer curves of a fertility goddess. It's a shape that drives men crazy on a subconscious level, scientifically demonstrated to be more attractive to them than a bikini model figure. Don't women know this?
Why am I so out of touch with this apparently huge problem?!? In my ignorance, I seem to be raising daughters who are just as self-confident about their bodies as I am. Thank goodness for that. But how? And is there something useful I can contribute to women and girls who struggle with this issue?
Many feminists seem to think the problem begins with fairy tales, in which pretty girls are always good and ugly girls are always bad. This makes no sense to me either. When I read fairy tales, I saw that good girls grew beautiful, and bad girls made themselves ugly. This was affirmed by my life experiences, in which persons with a mean disposition quickly lost their beauty to foul facial expressions, and a kind heart could always be seen shining beautifully, even in unconventional faces.
There also seems to be some confusion between the terms beautiful and attractive. If you struggle to understand the difference, go to an art exhibit. A book won't do. You have to view art in person. Look deeply at each piece. Learn something about the artist. Observe how works that are not initially beautiful to you can still draw you in. They're still attractive. Then watch as a work that attracted you can become more beautiful as you learn about it and respond to it. Attraction is much more complex, much more open ended. Attraction does not require beauty. And it carries far more potential. Beauty is entirely subjective, an ever changing ideal that exists moment by moment in the eye of the beholder. The only way to feel beautiful all the time is to be your own beholder, to subject yourself to no opinion but your own. But you can be attractive without beauty.
Fortunately, we are wired to be attracted to the faces that surround us in infancy. Usually, these are faces that resemble our own. Thus, for every variant genetic group, there are others out there who are wired to find us beautiful, and vice versa. This is why people tend to end up marrying within their own racial group, unless they grew up in a more diverse extended family or community. We all know there are numerous exceptions, but the overall data still supports this. If you're judging your face and figure against someone outside of your group, you're denying the beauty that is in your variation. You're saying that something about your genetic/racial identity is inferior to someone else's. Your community should bitch-slap you for that. You're a beautiful representation of them, and you have every right to stand proudly next to the beauties of other groups. The genetic diversity of the human species is stunning in its scope. To say that one collection of DNA data points is the ideal of beauty for all is utterly ridiculous.
Facial symmetry has received a lot of attention recently as an arbitrary definer of beauty. But while the data suggests more symmetry is initially more attractive, other data suggests that after a certain point it becomes repulsive. Not that we don't want to look at it, but we don't trust it to lead to a stable loving relationship. Being a little off kilter adds interest to a face. It makes it easier to connect with. To be comfortable with. Magazines are filled with perfect faces, because we are attracted to them in an obvious way. Artists like to work with awkward ones, because they are attractive in a more complex way. Whichever you have can be attractive, but both are spoiled by expressions of discontent and judgement.
When it comes to our reproductive imperatives, youth will always be more attractive. We can never return to our youth, but we can sure accelerate aging with an obsession over beauty treatments. Beaty treatments and products are not tested or approved by any governing body. When I've observed a beautiful older woman, she's always had a simple skin care routine, minimal makeup, and a tendency to be content with her life. The latter being the key. Stress ages you prematurely, so the last thing you want to stress about is looking older. With age comes maturity, education, experience, and a host of other attractions that will keep you in good company if you acquire them.
The one aspect of beauty and attraction that we have the most control over is our health. I can carry thirty extra pounds fairly discreetly, but I know that I would feel and look better if I got rid of that extra weight. I have a skin condition that can easily be covered by makeup, but makeup irritates it and makes it worse. I choose to wear it only for important occasions and accept the skin I'm in the rest of the time. There are treatments that could clear it up for a time, but they're expensive, and not a priority over things like braces for the kids. We can eat better, exercise more, and treat our bodies better, and we should. Not to look like someone else's ideal of beauty, but to be the healthiest we can be, because healthy is always a beauty improvement. If you're not there, like me with my extra 30 lbs., don't ever just accept it. Do something. Even if you fail, making an effort is attractive. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is trying? If you keep trying new activities, and new ways to track your calories, you'll eventually find something that works for you. There's not one system and one workout that works for everyone. We're too diverse.
That's why I insist that there are many ways to be beautiful. As many as there are women. If anyone has told you otherwise, they lied to you. If you believe them, you lose your most attractive quality, your confidence. You give up all your control and let yourself become what they said of you. Do you want to be what some liar said you are?
The truth is, people who can't see the beauty in others have a problem with their perceptions. The truth is, you can become more beautiful without changing anything external about yourself. The truth is, your residual self-image is more important than how you actually look on the outside. The truth is, when you see the beauty in yourself and others, you will naturally become more beautiful. Your confidence, and the value you place on your health and well-being will begin to change the way you appear to those around you. The truth is, when you broaden your idea of beauty and attractiveness you will begin to see value, in people and in the world, that you never knew existed before. The truth is, the more you see value in the diversity of the world, the more favorably you will see yourself, as you possess many valuable diverse characteristics too.
I feel like I'm stating the obvious here, but clearly there are many women who struggle with these truths. That's ok. You struggle because you know there's something wrong with what you've been believing about yourself. If something here affirms you, keep it close and remind yourself every day. If something in your mind or heart denies your innate potential for beauty, call it out as a lie and declare the opposite over yourself until it becomes the truth. You have to change the inside first, then the outside follows.
Bonus: How do you confront a lie?
My oldest daughter has always been a fashionista. Her crazy style got her ostracized by the three "popular" girls in elementary school. One day she came to me crying because her best friend had informed her that she wasn't popular because these girls didn't like her. She wisely insisted that this was a lie and I needed to intervene with her friend.
I asked her friend what it meant to be popular. She responded that "most everybody liked you." I asked her if everybody liked the three girls who were called "popular." She told me that nobody liked these girls. I asked her how many people liked my daughter. She answered that pretty much everybody did except those three girls, just a lot of them were afraid to deny the girls and be my daughter's friends. I asked how many people she thought liked her. She said, pretty much most people. So, I asked her who were the more popular girls at school. She figured out that my daughter and she was.
The issue was settled, and I like to think that moment had a strong impact on the self-confident young woman my daughter's friend has become. She has never cowed to a bully since. Sometimes we need help to see the truth, but once we do, it has the power to change our whole lives.
*** This post was featured in the Redwood Empire Mensa Bulletin, Sept. 2013 edition.
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