What do you do about the "S" word?
I've shocked a few mothers over the years who happened to be sitting nearby when one of my children came to complain, "Mom, (other child) called me stupid!" Or ugly, or bossy, or fill in the meanie comment here.
The most common response I've seen from other parents is a full on intervention in the children's activity, complete with forced apologies and a banning of the "S" word. We don't have any banned words in my house. We have large vocabularies and when we have a problem with something they say, ask our children if they know what a given word means and if it's really the word they want to use.
So, how do I respond that shocks other mothers? I ask the child flatly, "Is it true?"
The child, after coming to a startled halt in their oncoming whine fest, almost always responds, "No."
If it's not true, then why are you listening to someone who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about? One of life's most important lessons is that you can't change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I want my children to think critically about what they hear, about themselves and about the world in general. Rather than responding to criticism and rejection by acting out against the other person, I want them to be able to brush it off quickly with the truth. This is also an opportunity to practice empathy. Why do they think the person called them that?
Every now and then, a child will think about it and answer, "Yes."
Why does the child think it's true? What should they do about it? Do they need to change something about themselves, or accept it as part of their identity and be at peace with it. This is a great opportunity to learn how to process and grow through criticism.
Someone else's true accusation is not always something we should be ashamed of. I've been called "princess" in a derogatory way, but I don't have any problem with being a princess. My definition of princess is someone who is influential, responsible, and confident. Because I know who I am, accusations against my identity cannot stick to me.
This is a vital life skill. Even though my maternal instinct to intervene and protect my children is as great as any mother's, I force myself to be detached because I'm holding on to a long term view of life for them. Whenever possible, I avoid intervening in the arguments of children. Instead, I try to give kids the tools to handle conflict on their own, then send them back into the fray.
I've shocked a few mothers over the years who happened to be sitting nearby when one of my children came to complain, "Mom, (other child) called me stupid!" Or ugly, or bossy, or fill in the meanie comment here.
The most common response I've seen from other parents is a full on intervention in the children's activity, complete with forced apologies and a banning of the "S" word. We don't have any banned words in my house. We have large vocabularies and when we have a problem with something they say, ask our children if they know what a given word means and if it's really the word they want to use.
So, how do I respond that shocks other mothers? I ask the child flatly, "Is it true?"
The child, after coming to a startled halt in their oncoming whine fest, almost always responds, "No."
If it's not true, then why are you listening to someone who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about? One of life's most important lessons is that you can't change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I want my children to think critically about what they hear, about themselves and about the world in general. Rather than responding to criticism and rejection by acting out against the other person, I want them to be able to brush it off quickly with the truth. This is also an opportunity to practice empathy. Why do they think the person called them that?
Every now and then, a child will think about it and answer, "Yes."
Why does the child think it's true? What should they do about it? Do they need to change something about themselves, or accept it as part of their identity and be at peace with it. This is a great opportunity to learn how to process and grow through criticism.
Someone else's true accusation is not always something we should be ashamed of. I've been called "princess" in a derogatory way, but I don't have any problem with being a princess. My definition of princess is someone who is influential, responsible, and confident. Because I know who I am, accusations against my identity cannot stick to me.
This is a vital life skill. Even though my maternal instinct to intervene and protect my children is as great as any mother's, I force myself to be detached because I'm holding on to a long term view of life for them. Whenever possible, I avoid intervening in the arguments of children. Instead, I try to give kids the tools to handle conflict on their own, then send them back into the fray.
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