Feeling Haggard?

There's a free publication that goes out, as often as the publisher has money to print it, called Above Rubies. While I don't agree with all of their ideals, I have found inspiration in its pages. Perhaps it's because I have four kids and the writers are also mothers of many. Most parenting publications seem aimed at smaller families.

One story in particular had a big impact on me. A mother was at the doctor with yet another sick kid and a sympathetic stranger began to condole with her about how difficult it must be to raise so many children. It occurred to her that she must be putting forth a rather pathetic visage. She had chosen to have these children. She rejoiced in each of them. Her life was exactly what she had set forth to make it, full of wonderful exuberant little ones. What kind of testimony was her ragged hair and stained wardrobe giving to the world about her life. She resolved to pull herself together, change her outlook and look like it.

It's easy to forget that our lives are what we made them. We chose to build a family. Sure we all hit obstacles over which we have no control, but how we respond to them is what really matters. If we don't like our lives, we can change them. Changing is easier than starting from scratch. Since we do like these wild kids and occasionally insensitive but hardworking men, we tied our lives together with our own free wills, we ought to show it.

Motherhood is hard. I can't imagine doing some of the things I see women do while perpetually pregnant. I could barely take care of myself. What I could do was make a few rules for myself to keep me presentable, and make my husbands eyes light up when he sees me.

Here are my personal rules for keeping the haggard housewife look at bay:

- Deal with misbehavior from the children early, before it becomes irritating.

- Remember, if you're done with being pregnant/breastfeeding you can take medicine for that headache or cold. (After a decade in that condition I kept forgetting and just suffering through.)

- Throw out clothes with stains on them or holes in them, including night clothes and underwear. No grubby jeans.

- No printed t-shirts or sweats. No workout clothes when not actually working out. I must confess to saving two t-shirts from important events I participated in, but others went into my husband's shirt pile and now I get shirts in his size when at an event.

- Bathe before getting the children up in the morning, never go more than one day without, get dressed to the shoes, comb hair and put it up, put on at least one item of jewelry.

- Dress for the nicest thing you have to do today.

- Dress nice for bed too. You might not care, but when you can make your husband happy with so little effort is seems silly not to.

The wardrobe took a while to change. I found a store I liked and started shopping the clearance racks until I amassed enough of a decent wardrobe to throw out all the worn out stuff. Clearance racks at high end stores are a far better deal than the big discount chain stores and the quality and fit are far superior to Target and Walmart. My favorite is Anne Taylor LOFT. My sister's is Eddie Bauer. The nice thing about shopping often at one store is their styles and colors come around every few years so you can find new things that coordinate with your favorite older pieces. Sign up for their email promotion alerts and watch for an additional percent off clearance items, then go the first day of that sale. I also love Macy's for nice comfortable lingerie on clearance.

Your list may include putting makeup on. I don't often wear makeup because I have rosacea and it irritates my face, I had also given up on finding a facial cleansing routine that didn't hurt. After successfully adapting to my new rules so that they didn't seem hard any more, I resolved to try again to find a way to improve my complexion and,‎ with the help of a persistent Mary Kay consultant, was finally able to do so.

It's been so worth it. People will treat you according to how you dress. It may not be fair, but it's reality. I want people to celebrate my choice to have children, not condole with me.

How do you keep the haggard housewife look at bay?